How to change your spouse

Well, there are basically two ways to do this. One works better than the other, but it takes longer.

You can do it as a project -- like any project around the yard. For example, when I built my shed, I had to saw a lot of lumber to get things to fit. You can change your spouse that way. Don't like something she does? She isn't doing something you want her to do?

Saw it off. Then she'll fit you better.

This entails taking her on: talking to her, confronting her, insisting on X Y Z, and so forth. After all, you've got to be The Head Of The House.

This is the project approach to changing your spouse.

It doesn't work.

Well, when it does work, what you have is an artificial truce: a brittle agreement that may look like unity, but has no depth to it. Think Middle East peace treaties.

Or you can do it the phenomenological way. This is a big word. But the good news is that it requires little action. Let me give you an example:

When Valerie and I did Weight Watchers some years ago, we both swore off sugar in our tea. We started using Splenda. Fast forward four years. I heard something about possible side effects from artificial sweeteners, so I started using agave (it's like honey). Valerie sniffed and said, well, she'll continue using Splenda. This has been going on for about a year. I never said a word.

Remember: the phenomenological method doesn't require much talking. Love and honor often means not saying much.

Fast forward to the conversation last night before we both dozed off:

V: "... I exchanged some emails with Jeremy today ..."

D: "... oh, what about ...?

She rattles off a few things. Then:

V: "... I told him you can get agave at the Costco ..."

D: "... oh, he's interested in agave?"

V: "... Yea, I told him we're not using Splenda anymore ..."

Bingo.

That's the phenomenological way to change your spouse.

Logos2Go

Mark 4.26-27 He also said, “This is what the kingdom of God is like. A man scatters seed on the ground. Night and day, whether he sleeps or gets up, the seed sprouts and grows, though he does not know how.

1 Peter 3.7 Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered.