How arguments mature

I can now see a history of the nature of our arguments over thirty years of marriage.

Early on it was like war between strangers. That sounds weird to say because of course we were not strangers. Until you argue. Then, as the decibels increase, you're basically asking yourself "who is this person?"

About 3 to 5 years into it, arguments become attempts at self definition. The wars are essentially about "I am not going to give up who I am for her" -- all the while you're trying to figure out "who am I?"

Then there enters a stage -- and a pretty precarious one -- when arguments are often fueled by the WHAT IF. What if I never married her? What if I had married so-and-so? What if this was just over with?

But the grace of God (which you don't always see) and the example of godly people (some of whom you don't really like) keep you at it.

Through all of this jobs change, houses change, children come -- diapers, birthday parties, soccer, music, emergency rooms, sleep-overs ("you're not going there if they have guns in the house," etc), graduations ...

... acquaintances, vacations, lawn mowers, Ford, Carter, Reagan, Bush ... come and go and come and go. And now we've got change you can believe in.

At some point arguments become shaped by a spirit of detente: This is me and mine; That is you and yours. We negotiate boundaries. Even sexual intimacy is dictated by a spirit of detente.

Plugged drains, depression ("I know how you feel...here, let me do this..."); more relocations, more problems at work, and successes too...kids off on their own ...

Cancer ("... I just wish it was me and not you ...")

It occurred to me yesterday that we had had something like an argument about two weeks ago. But I need to figure out if I can call it that, because it felt more like having an honest discussion with myself.

Logos2Go

Ephesians 5.25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it

Colossians 3.19 Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.